Victoria watches whales on Animal Planet.

Television gets stupider every day. If it were not for the drama I like to watch, or the news summaries on morning television, it is unlikely I would watch much of it. In fact, I watch mostly movies on my extra-large flat screen television and I think that is the best use for that expensive piece of home entertainment equipment.The part of television view I dislike the most is talking food. I have long ago decided that I am not going to eat anything that talks. For several years now, the talking food I have found most irritating are the little wheat squares. Currently, they are driving a wheat harvester combine while singing their jingle. The one that bothers me the most right now is the talking lemon onMcDonald’s ads.

If you have seen the ad, think about this lemon for a few seconds. If you have not seen it, do not bother to look for it. First, this lemon begins to talk in what I think is aNew York accent. It is the ugliest lemon you will ever see. The thing that bothers me about this talking lemon is that it seems to be blind. If it is blind, how does it know that the young woman is slurping a lemon-pineapple smoothie, or whatever it is? The part that bothers me the most, however, is that the lemon (at the end of the commercial) wants the young woman to share her lemon-pineapple smoothie with it, him, or whatever, supposing a lemon has gender. I am repulsed. This lemon is a vampire of lemons. If I were a lemon, I would not want to suck the juice of another lemon—it is like sucking blood or something; makes me shiver with disgust.

Then there is always the stupid husband a father. If the commercials on television are any measure of the society in which we live, then husbands and fathers are useless bumpkins. This may be true of some husbands and fathers, but certainly not every husband and father. Now, I will admit to some bumpkin-like behavior in my 52 years or marriage and I am certain my children found me funny; that is, humorous, at times. Additionally, I will admit that never being a handy man my wife has been exasperated with me from time to time. Further, I do not like yard work, and I find no pleasure in getting my hands dirty by digging in the soil. I did a lot of digging when I was in college. I worked for the universities grounds department and helped dig an irrigation line to the swine barn. I did a lot of digging in my military life. I could never dig a hold deep enough to satisfy my sergeant. Nevertheless, my wife did not marry a stupid jerk who sits around in a tee-shirt endlessly watching sports, drinking beer, and eating pretzels.

In addition, I do not like talking animals. Lizards that talk are ludicrous. I have never seen a lizard that talks and I have never heard one talk. In Vietnam geckos crawled all over the ceiling of my living quarters. I had an appreciation for geckos; they ate mosquitoes. Sure, that little green guy on television is cute, but still it is a talking lizard; get real.

My cat, however, likes talking animals. In fact, she likes any television program with animals in it. She, my cat’s name is Victoria, likes to watch the Animal Planet Channel. She even likes the programs about whales. I do not like programs about whales and people fishing out on the Bering Sea; makes me seasick. My cat even likes action programs with car chases and lots of gun-play. I keep telling her those programs are not good for her. She does not pay heed nor do I when she tells me she will watch whatever she wants. So much for my insolent cat, I do not listen to talking animals anyway.